Fueled by Hope

Hallelujah and whoo hoo and yippee yahoo! I finished a first draft! It took me ten months, which is by far the fastest first draft I've ever written. For ten months, I've been thinking about this story, poking at it bit by bit, tunneling through to the end. For ten months, I haven't received a cent of payment, yet I've worked my hardest, struggled, and persisted, all fueled by hope. The hope that I could finish. The hope that this story would be worth writing and then worth reading. The hope that someday, after I revise and revise and revise, this will be the book that breaks me out of the mid-list. This will be the book about which people will say, "You have to read it!"

Lately I've been thinking about hope and how the authors I know get so excited and filled with hope before their book comes out, and then how those same authors are often disappointed when their book, no matter how great it is, doesn't get the attention it deserves. Doesn't get shelf space at the book stores. Doesn't get starred reviews. Doesn't get publicity or buzz from their publisher. Doesn't sell movie rights or foreign rights or hit the best seller lists. It's incredibly frustrating.

They've done this amazing thing that most people never do... they've gotten their book published! But then the reality of it hits... their book is one of around 25,000 new books for children and young adults published every year. It might seem impossible to get published, but the truth is lots of people accomplish that goal. Unfortunately, only a tiny percent of those people are ever published successfully.* You've got to be a fool to hope for that.

So call me a fool.

One of my author friends said she doesn't get swept up by the hope or by the disappointment. She just keeps doing the work. And though I admire her balanced way of approaching this journey, I know that will never be me. I need the hope to fuel me. I would never have spent ten months of my life torturing this story out of me if I didn't think there was a possibility of a huge reward someday. Yes, the writing is the reward... I get that. And as difficult as it is, I love to write and can't imagine doing anything else. But it's too easy to give up if I think I'm just doing this for myself or for mediocre rewards. The hope that maybe this time I could be writing a breakout novel keeps me going. I'll take whatever disappointment comes my way. I understand that's the consequence for hoping, and I'm okay with that. Because without the hope, I'd just be standing still. Dreaming, not doing.

* I realize everyone will have their own definition of success. And it might be that the nature of success is that you always want what is just out of reach. For example, Julia's Kitchen could very well be considered a success. It won awards, got great reviews (even a star from Kirkus!), was translated into German, and worked its way into the hearts of many readers. And though I'm so grateful for all of that, my dream of success goes beyond what I've accomplished so far.

Writing and Fear

At the writing retreat I attended in January, one of the speakers said that all not-writing is due to fear. We might make excuses about time or energy or the muse not visiting or writer's block or whatever. But really? If we're not writing it's because we're afraid.

I didn't write today. Or yesterday. Or the day before. This, after vowing to write every day for a minimum of 30 minutes since December 1st. When my son asked me if I had written yesterday, I told him no and gave him a great excuse about wanting to read instead and waiting to get feedback on a different manuscript and blah blah blah. He cut me off and said, "Mom, you have to blog about your failure." Love that kid.

So here I go.

I didn't write for the last three days because I'm afraid.

I'm afraid this first draft sucks. (The fact that it's supposed to suck because it's a first draft is not comforting to me. Sucking sucks.)

I'm afraid I will never be able to translate the idea in my head into the masterpiece I imagine it to be. (This fear makes sense. My idea is perfect in my head. Of course I won't be able to create a perfect book. But who cares? Maybe I can create a book that is good enough.)

I'm afraid someone else will write my book before me, and they'll do a better job than I could ever do. (Stupid fear... nobody can write my specific book except for me. That's why it's mine.)

I'm afraid that even if I write the best book, my agent won't be able to sell it.

I'm afraid that even if my agent sells it, my publisher won't promote it.

I'm afraid that even if my publisher promotes it, reviewers will pan it.

I'm afraid that even if reviewers love it, people won't buy it.

I'm afraid that even if people buy it and love it and and ask for more, I won't ever be able to deliver because it is such an impossible task, and each book is challenging in its own way, and writing one book well does not mean you know how to write another book. At. All.

So there you have it. I'm sitting with my fear. But I'm not so worried. It won't last. Sometimes I have to just succumb to the yucky, scary feelings for a little while. Acknowledging them helps them pass. Because hidden right underneath all these fears are dreams and confidence and faith. Writer's fuel. They won't stay hidden for long.

How Not To Write a First Draft

I'm in the dreaded middle of the first draft of a new novel. And I'm doing everything wrong. So if you want to succeed as an author, feel free to learn from my mistakes:

1. When your agent contacts you about your manuscript that she's submitting (the one you thought you were finished with), DO NOT come up with the perfect way to revise it now.

2. And whatever you do, DO NOT start that revision, even if you think it will only take a week or two.

3. DO NOT go to an incredible writing retreat where you'll learn so much about writing that you'll realize everything you've written so far in your first draft is complete dreck.

4. DO NOT meet talented and personable authors at said writing retreat and then go home and check all their books out of the library.

5. And absolutely, positively, DO NOT start reading their books.

6. DO NOT go to another event where a funny author whom you admire talks about what makes humorous picture books work.

7. And definitely DO NOT get inspired to write a picture book now.

8. When your husband asks how the writing is going, DO NOT tell him the terrible horrible truth, unless you want him to back up in fear, hide the sharp objects, and keep his distance from you for the rest of the evening/week/month.

9. If a special holiday is coming up, like Valentine's Day for example, DO NOT spend time creating the perfect gifts and cards for everyone in your family. Even if it makes you happy.

10. In other words, if you want to finish a first draft of a novel, DO NOT let life interfere.

I'm serious.

Your family doesn't really need you.

And you don't really need to enrich yourself as a writer, or a reader, or even as a human being.

I'm telling you, if you let life interfere with that first draft, you will never finish. Ever.

Well, maybe you will finish eventually.

But it will take you a long time. Longer than you expected. Longer than you want. And it will be harder than you ever imagined. Because writing is hard. There are no shortcuts. There is nothing quick and easy about it. And because life is complicated and funny and tragic and beautiful and busy, and if you're living it right, it will impact everything you do.

But. If you stick with your manuscript and work on it a little bit every day, no matter how long it takes you, no matter how much life interferes, at some point, you'll finish that first draft.

And then?

You can revise.

Necessity Breeds Invention

I mentioned before that I originally wrote THE YUCKIEST, DROOLIEST, STINKIEST, BEST VALENTINE'S DAY EVER for my daughter's second grade class. Well, here's how it happened: I was one of the moms in charge of the class party that year, and since I love books, I volunteered to find the perfect Valentine's Day picture book to read to the class. I figured that was way easier than figuring out the craft, games, or food. I'd zip into the book store and zip out, my job complete.

Alas, it was not that easy!

I went to the library and my local book store, and I spent quite some time reading all the books on the Valentine's Day display. I found a lot of lovey dovey books, a lot of sweet, tender books, and a lot of lesson books (sending a mean valentine is wrong, kids!). But I didn't find any books that would appeal to a class of sophisticated second graders. With a son and daughter in second grade, I knew almost all these kids well. They weren't about to fall for anything lovey dovey or sweet. And they certainly didn't want anything that would teach them a lesson. So I decided to write my own story, filled with adventure and humor, and with no lesson in sight.

The original title was "The Great Valentine Escape," and in it, Leon chases his valentine onto an airplane, over an ocean, and up a mountain, which turns out to be a volcano. In the end, the valentine jumps into the bubbling lava below (I kid you not) and Leon magically returns home.

It was a crazy story. But it was fun. And the kids were captivated all the way though. (More proof that kids enjoying a story is not reason enough to think it should be published.) They laughed and gasped at all the right parts. I knew I was on to something, even if I still had work to do.

And boy, did I have work to do! Over the next four years, every single thing about the story changed (except for Leon and the Valentine). But now I have a book that will someday be on a Valentine's Day display in book stores around the country. And some random parents or teachers might choose it to read to their class on Valentine's Day. How cool is that?

Sending love out to Faith and Mrs. Phillips' second grade class from 2003!!