Writing and Fear

At the writing retreat I attended in January, one of the speakers said that all not-writing is due to fear. We might make excuses about time or energy or the muse not visiting or writer's block or whatever. But really? If we're not writing it's because we're afraid.

I didn't write today. Or yesterday. Or the day before. This, after vowing to write every day for a minimum of 30 minutes since December 1st. When my son asked me if I had written yesterday, I told him no and gave him a great excuse about wanting to read instead and waiting to get feedback on a different manuscript and blah blah blah. He cut me off and said, "Mom, you have to blog about your failure." Love that kid.

So here I go.

I didn't write for the last three days because I'm afraid.

I'm afraid this first draft sucks. (The fact that it's supposed to suck because it's a first draft is not comforting to me. Sucking sucks.)

I'm afraid I will never be able to translate the idea in my head into the masterpiece I imagine it to be. (This fear makes sense. My idea is perfect in my head. Of course I won't be able to create a perfect book. But who cares? Maybe I can create a book that is good enough.)

I'm afraid someone else will write my book before me, and they'll do a better job than I could ever do. (Stupid fear... nobody can write my specific book except for me. That's why it's mine.)

I'm afraid that even if I write the best book, my agent won't be able to sell it.

I'm afraid that even if my agent sells it, my publisher won't promote it.

I'm afraid that even if my publisher promotes it, reviewers will pan it.

I'm afraid that even if reviewers love it, people won't buy it.

I'm afraid that even if people buy it and love it and and ask for more, I won't ever be able to deliver because it is such an impossible task, and each book is challenging in its own way, and writing one book well does not mean you know how to write another book. At. All.

So there you have it. I'm sitting with my fear. But I'm not so worried. It won't last. Sometimes I have to just succumb to the yucky, scary feelings for a little while. Acknowledging them helps them pass. Because hidden right underneath all these fears are dreams and confidence and faith. Writer's fuel. They won't stay hidden for long.

Muscle Memory

15 years ago, I worked at the Leo Burnett Advertising Agency. They had a little gym across the street called, "Revisions," where I used to work out. One day, they offered a self-defense class, and on a whim, I signed up. The class was taught by an amazing karate sensei, Jeff Kohn, and everyone loved the class and Jeff so much that he ended up teaching a weekly karate class at Revisions. So that's how I ended up taking up karate at the age of 25!

Karate was the best mind-body-spirit exercise I'd ever experienced. I loved how you had to concentrate so completely on what you were doing, and, in the same moment, you had to stop thinking and let your body just do its thing. At that time, I was struggling with infertility, and let me tell you, I was pretty obsessed about it! Practicing karate was just what I needed for my mental health. In that hour, I couldn't think about infertility. I only stopped training when I was five months pregnant with twins and could no longer tie my gi!

Fast forward to this past summer. My good friend Julie called me up one morning and out of the blue asked me if I wanted to take karate. Without considering cost, or time constraints, or anything, I agreed.

We train twice a week with that same amazing sensei, and I love it just as much as before. This morning, Sensei taught us a new kata - at least I thought it was new. I hadn't remembered learning it, but I must have. Because after just a few reminders from Sensei, my body knew just what to do. Muscle memory.

When I wrote my second novel, I had thought it would be easy. Or at least easier. After all, I'd already written one! But if anything, it was harder. It had its own challenges, its own lessons to teach me. And now I'm writing my third novel. I don't expect it to be easy. But I am finding that I have a bit of muscle memory now when it comes to writing. I'm not planning as much as I used to. I'm just writing. And I'm trusting that my body will know what to do.